What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
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