What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Snow thank you.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
I read dead people.
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
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