You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
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