Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
"Happy eggster."
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
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