Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
"Be kind, re-wine."
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
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