I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
We like to paddy.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
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