What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.

Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!

What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree

What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.

I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.

I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.

I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.

My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.

I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence

What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”

You’re as sweet as Pi.

The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.

What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.

I'm the life of the paddy.

If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car

Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.

Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.

A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."

Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.

Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”

Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.

Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!

I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.

How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

Nice pumpkins!

As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde

Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.

Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.

Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.