Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
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