My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
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