What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
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