What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
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