What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
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