How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Tis the sea-sun.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
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