What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Go to BabaMail
