Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
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