What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
You're so clover!
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
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