There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
Sleigh, what?!
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
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