I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
"Having a good hare day."
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
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