Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
I would give anything to be your personal item.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Birch, please.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
I love your energy.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Beach, please.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
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