How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
I’ll always be running-back to you.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
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