Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
"I mead more wine."
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Except the direction I'm walking in.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
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