An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Say it ain’t snow.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Can I Alp you?
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Please, please me
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
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