What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Snow on and snow forth.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
Best in snow.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
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