I’m so lepre-gone right now.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
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