What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
My weekend is fully booked.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
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