Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
I love when you coddle me.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
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