Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
All you need is MY love
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
This foundation is rock salad.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
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