I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
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