What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
You seem a little mer-mad.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
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