You’re more special than relativity.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
How about a kanga-root?
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I whale always love you.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Would you like to share fire with me?
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
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