Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
If you where a sheep I would clone you.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
You are un-beer-lievable!
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
Nice pumpkins!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
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