I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
It's ice to meet you.
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
You're as hot as a desert summer.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
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