What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Whatever floats your goat.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
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