When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
As it snow happens.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Irish I had better jokes.
Resting Grinch face.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
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