I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Who’s your paddy?
I'm Havana dream about you.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
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