You have me greening from ear to ear.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
One should always practice what they peach.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
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