A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”
- A. A. Milne
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
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