Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
I cannoli have eyes for you.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
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