Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
You’re my #1 pick.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
Can February march?
No, but April may.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
I’m soy into you.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
Let's Taco about love.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
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