I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
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