Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
I Wanna Be Your Man
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
I like you sow much.
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
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