Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
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