"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
You shamrock my world.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
As it snow happens.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
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