What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
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