How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers

I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.

Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”

- Katherine Hepburn.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.

What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.

I’m ready to shamrock and roll.

Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.

I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed

I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt

There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.

What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.

A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"

Namastay here or come home with me?

My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?

What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn

My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”

– Deborah Kerr

What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!

Summer went swimmingly this year.

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti

What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.

Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!

“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond

Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.

If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.

What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."

What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.

I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.

The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.

What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.

How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.

What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.

You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.

Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute

How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.

Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.

"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark