A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
You better beer-live it!
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
“Feliz navi-dog!”
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
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