Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Treat yo'elf.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
I love you berry much.
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
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