Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?
Corona actually spreads.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.
I'd love to see you s'more.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
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