My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
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