What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
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