What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
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