“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
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