I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
I like you a latte.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
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