What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Go to BabaMail
