Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
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