“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
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