My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
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