A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
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