What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
He threw three free throws.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
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