You're acute Valentine.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Drink happy thoughts.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
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