I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.

“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

You’re my #1 pick.

“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar

Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.

I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.

I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."

What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.

Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.

“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers

I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.

Girls just wanna have sun!

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.

Don’t give into beer pressure.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

Take a page from the book and leaf.

Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.

Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.

What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.

You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.

"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."

“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

- Jarod Kintz

Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.

Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.

I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.

What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.

How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare

A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.

“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.

What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.

Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie

How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?

My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!

What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.