"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.

What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!

Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...

Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.

Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.

Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.

French people give me the crepes.

In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!

What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?

No-Kia.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.

I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”

Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!

A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!

My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.

"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong

This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.

The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.

Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.

What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.

My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'

“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown

What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!

Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

By the footprints in the butter!

Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.

It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.

(Martin Dejnicki)

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.

Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.

Case in punt

What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating

I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton

How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.

Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.

Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!

"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."

- Thomas Dewar

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence

The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.

If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.

Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.