“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Wear green, or leaf.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What did Homer Simpson say when he saw a female deer?
“Doe!”
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
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