Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
You are the object of my preposition.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
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