Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
I’ll never fir-get.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
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