The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
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