What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
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