What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
I can get you off the Naughty List.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Burst into cheers!
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Take off all your cloves.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Love me do
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
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