Keep calm and leprech-on.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
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