“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
I’m soy into you.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
One should always practice what they peach.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
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