I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
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