If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
You dropped something. My jaw.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
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