What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.

“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”

- Marcelina Hardy

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.

Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!

I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.

"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."

- Chisty Lowe

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz

Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.

Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.

Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.

What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!

“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw

I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.

Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.

Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.

A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.

You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.

Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.

When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!

I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.

Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”

What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."

I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.

What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla

Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.

Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.

What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.

What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.

You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.

What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn

Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.

Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day

You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.

Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.