The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
You make me want to Twist and Shout
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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