I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
I feel tail great!
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
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