What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
You’re my lucky charm.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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