Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
You seem a little mer-mad.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
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