Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Would you like to share fire with me?
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
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