A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
"Time wounds all heels."
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Go to BabaMail
