The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
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