What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
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