The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
I like you cherry much.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Rock was magma before it was cool.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
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