I can heartly wait to see you again.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Summer is just floating by.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
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