Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
You had me at taco.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
A guy ate only metal bars for thanksgiving
He was gratefull
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
You're such a TEAse.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
You mermaid to go far.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
It's lit.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
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