“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
What a spud muffin.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
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