Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
It’s snow joke.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I have a heart-on for you.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
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