What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
"Some people have no guts."
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
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