I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
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