What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
He threw three free throws.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
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