Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
We’re mint to be.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
I only have ice for you!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
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