Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
It was mitten in the stars.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
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