I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.

“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith

Why d‌‌oes N‌‌orth K‌‌orea e‌‌xcel a‌‌t d‌‌rawing s‌‌traight l‌‌ines?
Because t‌‌hey h‌‌ave a‌‌ s‌‌upreme r‌‌uler.

Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.

What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial

The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.

I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.

I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack‬

No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein

Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!

What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!

I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.

You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!

I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.

“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.

That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.

Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.

Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.

What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!

"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips

You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.

Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.

My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.

Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.

What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.

"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous

A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.

What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!

What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.

Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.

Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard

Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?

“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.

I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.

What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”